"I hate myself so much right now. I have so much Botox I can't even smile."

"Historically... seeing women fight like this is not unattractive."

"She's an acquired taste. Like, you know, sardines."

"Welcome to the MILF Mudpit. The foundation of any relationship is honesty."

"I have my business, I have my dog, all that's left now is to find my wife."

"Your toes are looking nice. Lookin' Good, Smellin' Good, What's Good Chicago?"

"Having my butt coming through a hole with my uncle is something I never expected to do in my life"